Post. Partum. Depression. The debilitating life altering mental health condition that plagued my life just as it does to many others. Like always, grab a drink, and let’s talk. This will be done in a 3-part series. Hang in there sis, let’s dive in.

After you deliver your baby, breathing or sleeping, bless all of our sweet angel babies… you go home, and you schedule your appointments for post-natal care. When/If you choose to go to your doctors’ appointments, they have you fill out a form to see if you are having ppd symptoms. Typically, you have a few appointments after you deliver throughout 6 weeks after giving birth. This means you are given a 6-week period to show symptoms.

PPD can hit a lot later than those 6 weeks.

Did you know that studies have shown PPD can show up within THE FIRST YEAR after birth?

That means what you are told about the first 2-6 weeks is not entirely accurate. PPD likes to make an appearance around the first menstrual cycle following birth, rearing her ugly head, you probably don’t even know what is happening to you if it’s your first.

So….Why is this not discussed during pregnancy at the MANY appointments you have? You might hear of PPD here and there but there is no concrete discussion of the facts. That is what we are here to talk about now.

You will never understand the full scope of what ppd entails until you are deep into the depression. I mean so far deep that you don’t even know who you are anymore or why you are feeling the way you are. I noticed that, for me, it presented itself around my first menstrual cycle after birth. I was irritable, irrational, and hopelessly lost in a void of self-doubt, all while trying to be a parent. To be a good mother and raise my child while I felt like I was losing myself and my sanity.

This is what I believe; Post Partum Depression is serious. It is not discussed to the degree it should be to expecting mothers, and the current methods we receive to indicate the signs are not accurate. PPD can occur any time within the first year, at any moment, and it hits you like a train. It is debilitating and puts the mom in a clouded mental state filled with negative thoughts, feelings, and a real depression.

I had never had suicidal thoughts before in life. That was my first sign that something wasn’t right. PPD felt like I didn’t want to be here, like death would be a relief and my children deserved better. I made one serious suicide attempt and had a different plan after that failed. I would tell my husband, “I hate myself. I absolutely hate myself, I don’t want to be here anymore. Reija has all of you guys, she deserves better than me.” He would plead that all of these things are false, and while he was right, I wholeheartedly believed and FELT what I was saying was true.

The problem is, that I didn’t know what I was experiencing. I had no clue. I was 6 months post-partum. I didn’t think PPD was even a possibility. The fact is, PPD is REAL, it is SERIOUS, and it NEEDS to be discussed. I personally think there should be extensive appointments during pregnancy to discuss in length the warning signs and the reality that it can happen long after those first few weeks.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

To describe the hell that I was in mentally is so difficult to put into words, other than it was absolute hell. I hated myself, I thought the worst thoughts, happiness seemed like a distant dream that was never attainable again. That I would never find myself in the darkness. The lights had been turned off in my mind and on the outside, I felt like a robot or zombie just trying to make it to the end of the day.

When I attempted suicide, I set up a doctor’s appointment and thankfully my insurance takes mental health seriously. I was able to talk to someone quickly and sort out what seemed impossible in my head. My emotions spiraled into a dark place that I never want to go back to.

We live in a world where medicine is advancing, studies are progressing, but some practices are sticking to the old??? For any expecting mothers, I implore you to research, study, and understand the long healing process that your body and mind goes through after you have a baby. It doesn’t happen to everyone, but to those that experience this nightmare, I wish we could have known and had tools to be prepared.

This website has great new information on PPD:

What should you look out for?

So, what helped me? Therapy, lot’s of it. I was desperate to feel like myself again, so I did a deep dive and fully immersed myself into my mental health. I practiced so much self-care, two therapy sessions a week, and a group art class with an emphasis on mindfulness. I also went through a few SSRI’s (anti-depressants) until I found one that regulated my emotions. Thank you, Lexapro! I made sure that I was okay so my family could be okay. PSA: I recommend therapy to anyone and everyone. You need it, even if you think you don’t. It might take a few therapists to find the right one, but once you do hold on to that godsend of a person and keep them close!! They will change your life.

disclaimer: this next paragraph is in regard to religion.

One of the biggest things that helped me was praying and attending my weekly sacrament meetings. I looked towards heavenly father for help and prayed a lot. I felt so much comfort and love when reading scripture or watching sermons with my husband. I know religion is a controversial topic so if you don’t have a faith just remember what I discussed in the previous paragraph.

If you take anything from this article this is what I hope you get, you are worthy to receive and give love, you deserve happiness, and you are the best mother for your child.

With the right help, we can do better, we can anticipate and work through PPD together. There are great psychologists that are specialized in your post-natal mental health and if you are experiencing PPD, you need to reach out. Don’t suffer alone, because you are not alone. You will get better. You will feel like yourself again. It takes time, but with that in mind you can feel hope. YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF AGAIN.

See you in Part 2!

Xoxo,

Olivia

If you or a loved one are experiencing a mental health crisis call 988