The Death and Rebirth of Mothers

Unsolicited Advice Letters

My Dearest Readers,

I would like to welcome you. While the future letters to come will reveal much more gruesome, painfully truthful, and sometimes funny blurbs, I thought it made the most sense to begin this journey together with a glimpse into the beginning of motherhood, the trials, and the unspoken truths…. no filter.

Lets dive in.

You’re either late for mother natures monthly visit or your curious, so, you go to the store, come home, and pee on that magic stick that will ultimately give you a life changing answer.… *patiently impatiently waiting… waiting… AGH is it done yet?!”

Moment of silence

positive. *cue tears of joy and/or panic*

Every womans situation is entirely different but this life altering moment brings heavy emotions for each and every one of us.

You make your first of many OB appointments and get started researching babies, babies, babies if you haven’t already.

Some soon-to be parents opt for the “old fashion” and well known “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” book, or you become a google search expert. I admit, I am guilty of both. You might also decide to take birthing classes, Lamaze, hypnobirthing, the options are endless. While I don’t have a strong opinion on any of them…….

I can tell you that you have absolutely no control over your labor.

Vaginal, C-Section, short labor, long labor, epidural, no epidural. A lot, if not all is pretty much out of your control in a hospital setting. The nurses and doctor will advise and make a plan quickly as your labor progresses, if you haven’t received an epidural in active labor its near impossible to understand what all of the health care team is doing because contractions come quick and heavy, the pain will be strong and you won’t be able to focus, or really communicate much.

But you can have a voice, it just might not be yours because all you’ll be focusing on is breathing, pushing, and the pain.

This is why DOULAS ARE AMAZING. They WILL be your voice and advocate for you while you focus on contractions. So get one if that’s important to you.

ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.

Babies come into the world how they want, and it’s a relieving feeling to accept that it’s out of your control most times.

Trust in your health care team.

BABY TIME!

You have long been waiting for this day.. labor begins. You have a baby, and if all goes well, you’re home the next day. If your birthing plan goes as planned, god bless you. But no one ever talks about what happens after the birth. I’m talking about RIGHT after the birth.

What happens after you push out that watermelon of squishy cuteness?

Confusion.

Your doctor will be pulling on the chord to release the placenta, and I mean they are REALLY pulling. Did you know you’ll also have to push the placenta out?! YEP! Nurses begin pushing your abdomen so hard you feel all of your insides and it is so uncomfortable you might just be holding back some yelps. I’d describe it a little bit like being a rag doll, docs and nurses are rushing so they can get to the next mom in labor. And you? You’re left wondering, “What the fu** just happened?!”

Don’t even get me started on the stitches. Yikes. And the first poop???

Nope, that was terrifying. I refused to go for a few days because the idea of pushing anything at all made me nauseous. NOT TODAY SATAN! Eventually it happens and you just pray for no pain or ripping stitches.

This next paragraph is a REAL and widely studied response in mothers:

A harsh reality NO ONE talks about… during pregnancy you hear about holding the baby for the first time and how you will feel this overwhelming, deep unconditional love unlike anything else before, la la la la la….

Soo…… what if you don’t? Good news is that it’s actually pretty normal. I held my first child after a traumatic delivery and my brain was like mush. I felt nothing for her and I barely remember holding her. That love quickly developed a few hours later, but it wasn’t rainbows and butterflies right at first sight. My body and mind were processing shock. If you had a similar experience, I want you right now to take a deep breath and release a sigh of relief.

You aren’t alone and it’s okay to have had those feelings.

Leaving the hospital was like stepping back into freedom. I don’t know about you, but I was so ready to leave I practically ran out. You better believe I made a taco bell run right away. All I could think was, my bed, my bed, my bed (and taco bell, ha!)

But then….. you walk in the door of your home and reality hits you like a freight train. Just straight in the face.

“Wait……. so… what do I/we do again?”

If you’re experience was like mine, running on 4 hours of sleep, 3 nights in the hospital, and suddenly feeling the bleak reality of surging hormones leveling all the way out to zero. You are freaking out.

Panic attack?? Probably. Anxiety? Definitely.

NO ONE TAUGHT US HOW TO KEEP THIS LITTLE HUMAN ALIVE?! Shouldn’t we have had to take a mandatory class to qualify us for this extremely important job? IM SOLEY RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS TINY BABY’S LIFE. HER LIFE!

And to remember the basics??? While sleep deprived, emotionally drained??

It’s survival mode instantly.

“I know the basics, right? I read books, I googled, I have seen other parents do this. Okay, okay…. feed her… change the diaper… burp her. But… WHAT IF SHE DOESN’T LATCH? What if I can’t feed her? What if formula gives her diaper rash? or worse….. WHAT IF SHE WON’T EVEN DRINK THE FORMULA AND I CAN’T BREAST FEED? AM I A BAD MOM IF BREAST FEEDING DOESN’T FEEL LIKE THE RIGHT CHOICE? WHERE IS THE D*MN PACIFIER????? I NEED TO BUY 10 MORE STAT. WE CAN’T EVER RUN OUT OF PACIS

The fear and anxiety is endless.

Spiraling is very possibly occurring at this point.

It’s fine, I’m fine. I’;; just call call my mom, sister in law, mother in law, any parent! Call an adult.(I am an adult, but they are much more qualified in this area) Ask question after question.. turns out I still need my mom after all… huh!

Finally, after a few months, you will get the hang of the chaos and start to feel like you are settling into your new role as a parent… or maybe it might take closer to a year...

When you finally settle in though, and normalcy begins to resonate with you, you will realize a very hard but real truth.. and you might have even noticed it much earlier on..

Your old life, whoever you were, whoever you thought you had become, once your child is born and you step into the role of motherhood, your old self essentially dies.

Dramatic? Yes. True? Quite.

A mother’s brain chemistry physically changes when she has a child. While this is a hard pill to swallow there are ways to manage and cope with navigating the path of new self-discovery.

What does that mean for you mom?

Basically, you’re f*****

Kidding… only a little.. You are also blessed beyond compare; the life you left behind becomes distant and if you don’t already know, your life became so much more meaningful and impactful the day your baby joined this world.

You love that little being now, but so much more is to come.. the relationship grows and develops. Each stage brings it’s own unique joys and struggles.

The toddler giggles, when you hear your child say mommy for the first time, dance parties to baby shark - if that’s your thing… we totally don’t do that multiple times a day at our house…

YOU as a person, you’re back to square one.

Your entire life and existence is about caring for your child, but in order to be the best for your baby, you have to relearn who you are. What are your goals and values now? I promise, they change when you see that little face.

What did you do before kids? Brunch? Dance? Concerts? Cycling? Climbing? I listed off mine, and guess what? I RARELY do any of those things anymore. The kids are too young, so some hobbies are on pause. I was a painter, forget that. It’s too fragile around little ones. God forbid 10 hours of work is lost because my toddler gets curious. But when would I find the time to paint anyway?

I started to set my goals, values, and hobbies to align with my family because it wasn’t just about me anymore. I want to see my children flourish, to grow, learn, be healthy and kind human beings. THIS. THIS is why I died - or the old me did. So that I could sacrifice some of my life to nourish and enrich my children’s lives.

Warning: Unsolicited Advice

Not to get too heavy, but my biggest ick is when parents refuse to change their lives for their children, it is selfish and comes from a very self-centered mindset.

I’m not talking traveling, or healthy activities. I am specifically calling out “Festival and rave parents” Is this a safe place for a CHILD? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Adults are openly using drugs, having sex in tents, and you see some other weird stuff I won’t mention here. 24 hours of music all night long, all day long, for 3 straight days sometimes even longer.

Festivals. Are. Not. For. Children

Take your child camping and make some dam* smores. I have faith in my millennial generation, come on guys, we can do better.

Self-sacrifice and love is what nourishes a child’s self-confidence and growth.

Back to the letter:

When I don’t get an invite to a night out with the girls, or I miss a concert to a favorite artist, I snuggle my babies and remember that the sacrifice I make is worth it every single day.

You will find yourself again

I repeat, you WILL find yourself again in the chaos of parenthood, but you won’t ever be the same. You might feel glimpses of who you were and build your new self from those memories, but your foundation of values is rebuilt.

Your child/children are your world, and they will change it. Familiarize yourself with being comfortable with messes and dirt. It’s okay that toys are everywhere, or the cup of yogurt just fell of the floor, let him jump in the puddle, and run in the grass without socks. All messes can be cleaned up, hands and feet can be washed, so keep your sanity, find the patience I know you have, and remember that you will find yourself again and figure out who you are in this new season of life.

GIVE YOURSELF GRACE and enjoy discovering the new woman you are becoming, cause dang momma! You created a whole human being. You are divine, powerful, beautiful, strong, and the rest is up to you

The following article offers great information and realistic expectations in regard to the healing process after childbirth:

Yours Truly,

O

xoxoxo

So.. what is next with Unsolicited Advice Newsletters? Content will be ranging in variety from parenting, tips on keeping a clean house, time management, interior design ideas with kids, and so much more! Subscribe so you don’t miss what is to come. If nothing more than a fun, weekly read.